Saturday, November 13, 2010

In the 2nd grade my teacher nicknamed me Mouth

my.mommy.at.market

I talked a lot. I had so much to say. I simply could not manage to wait until the appropriate time to say it. Poor Mrs. Taylor.

This week was not what I expected. I traveled home to mourn the loss of a dear man, the father of a very special family, whom I've adored since early childhood. But it was one of those perfect funerals, if there is such a thing, where there was as much sadness for the loss as there was celebration for the life. With that celebration came the reminiscing, the stories, laughter and memories of a life that could not have been improved and one that I am thankful to share some history with.

Sitting at a luncheon after the funeral, talking to my mom and some of the family members, she brought up something that I had no recollection of from second grade. The conversation had led to the size of my family (as it often does) and she told me that my second grade teacher predicted that I would either be a teacher or have a huge family. After a little back and forth we started to remember the circumstances. There was a little girl, Kelly, in my class who had Down Syndrome that become a good friend. That part, as well as other details, I remember. But apparently, another detail included a day where I had gotten angry and spoke out at Mrs. Taylor for saying something to Kelly that I felt was unkind, and I made such a stink (surely in my 7-yr-old mouthy way) that a conference was called with my mother. Its that part that I forget somehow, that I had been mad at my teacher. What I most explicitly recall, though, is that at some point, likely after the conference, Mrs. Taylor moved my desk next to Kelly's desk and our friendship was nurtured. In the days and weeks of 2nd grade that followed I mouthed off to anyone who said anything unkind to her. It was like my new occupation. I can still remember what it felt like in my chest, like a wadded fiery knot, when someone called her a name or taunted her. It inflamed me. I called one boy a piece of poop. (I clearly remember the most important parts.) Don't think for a minute that this guardian role that was bestowed upon me got me out of getting in trouble for my mouth. Looking back, I have no idea how that poor woman even taught the 2nd grade she spent so much time telling me to shut up. Sigh. But I think it was an exchange that we had. She figured out how to use my mouth to help her do her job, and help her care for and teach Kelly too. Kelly and I had several play dates and she was a sweet, spirited, selfless friend that I won't forget.

The drive back after the funeral produced a realization of how her friendship formed me. It also reminded me of some discipline at home that I need to follow up on. One of my boys, who shall remain nameless here (but it wasn't Roman or Joseph), used the word retarded to insult his brother. Enter: fiery wadded knot. I have just about memorized the lecture that follows whenever I hear this. I could bare to hear stupid, idiot, dumbbutt, goobersmack, uhhh, poop or almost any other word used as an insult. And as a parent of kids in those middle years, I could spend every waking moment saying stopit, quitit, no, uhuh, heyyou, biteyertongue, gotoyeroom, etc. But this time, I decided it was time for him to put his money where his mouth is. So today we are researching charitable groups who aid in the education and care of mentally disabled children so that nameless can donate his next two months of allowance. He will be a kind boy. And mostly he is already. But he will be a completely kind boy who is aware of what comes out of his mouth. Even if it it kills me.

Dear Mrs. Taylor, I am a teacher and I have a huge family and I am still defending sweet Kelly. (And I still earn my nickname everyday.)
love, Anna

p.s. thanks for the memories Mom (that's us at Quilt Market!)

93 comments:

  1. Beautiful - you and your Mom & how you continue to teach your children.

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  2. Good for you! Love the story. I find myself getting that fiery knot when I hear someone using that word as an insult.

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  3. Anna, what a lovely post. Thank you for this, I love the story.

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  4. Anonymous8:35 AM

    What a wonderful story! I deal with this all the time (middle school teacher) and I WISH I could force kids to give up their allowance. Alas, that is generally frowned upon so I must be content with research essays and volunteerism. Growing up, my mom used to tell me I specifically sought out kids with "issues" to be my friends. If there was a down and out kid within 20 miles, I knew 'em and wanted to help. Turns out, I'm the same way as an adult!

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  5. You are a wonderful Mommy and a fantastic teacher!
    I love this story, and the lessons you teach here.

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  6. Thank you! My dear granddaughter has Down Syndrome and the unkindness and bullying she runs into is incredible. She is always so forgiving and those of us who love her are always angry and heartbroken on her behalf. I wish you could teach every child Anna.

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  7. You're such a great mama, and such an inspiration to those of us whose kids are still itty-bitty.

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  8. Oh this is so sweet and lovely. You are a great mother and teacher.

    (I was the same in school. I would not. shut. up. My fourth grade teacher told my mother I had "diarrhea of the mouth." That story lives in infamy in the same way as yours.)

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  9. You've brought tears to my eyes. What a great recollection with a moral and how you continue to turn things around in a positive way. Your son will understand in a very good way.

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  10. what a beautiful story! My 14 year old, who could be nicknamed same as you, has a special compassion for a mentally handicapped child at her school. That has always touched my heart.

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  11. Love the story. I, too, have always had a heart for those with special needs, growing up with both a cousin and a boy at our church that had Down's Syndrome. We volunteered regularly as a family at Special Olympics events, and when I 'grew up' :), I became an occupational therapist, working with those who have mental and physical disabilities. I haven't worked as an OT since I became a mom, but I volunteer weekly at our church in our class for middle school aged special needs kids, most of them with autism or Down's Syndrome. Now, I didn't say all of that to toot my horn or anything like that, but to say that I think exposure to these kids, and in my case, family, when I was a child has shaped the person I have become as an adult. I'm definitely not trying to tell you how to parent, but perhaps 'nameless' would benefit from some time spent with these wonderful people. I'm sure it would be a memorable experience for him. As always, thanks for sharing. Working yesterday and today on a dress for my daughter made from innocent crush. Love it!

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  12. A lovely suggestion Lori, thank you!!

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  13. Interactions like you are having with your nameless son are what shapes our world. It's good to be reminded that the lessons we teach our children really do make a difference. I hope my daughter's instincts will be to reach out in kindness.

    Thank you for sharing your story!

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  14. Kudos to your 2nd grade teacher.
    Your mom is beautiful. (And so are you!)

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  15. I absolutely LOVE your donation idea!! That's one that I'm going to steal!!!

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  16. What a great story Anna. You're such a good mother. I try to instill good values in my children too, but it is so hard with all of the stuff that they see on television and hear from their friends. I like your allowance idea, I may have to try that. I am determined to have a kind boy too. Best wishes ♥

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  17. Thank you.
    This was a lovely, insightful, and meaningful first read for my day... it will set a lovely tone.
    Somehow reading that you have been vocal and strong, keeping your words and heart in alignment since your earliest days... somehow I am not the least bit surprised.
    Anna, you are beautiful, inside and out.

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  18. aaaawww.. This is such a gorgeous post.. Sure shows what a wonderful person you are.. and that would surely make you a wonderful mommy and an amazing teacher!

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  19. BRAVO Anna Maria! What a wonderful post! In conjunction with what Lori said - you might be able to find out when the special olympics will be in your area, and have him volunteer his services for a day or two at the games. He will surely walk away a newfound understanding and pride for these young men and women.

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  20. aaaawww.. This is such a gorgeous post.. Sure shows what a wonderful person you are.. and that would surely make you a wonderful mommy and an amazing teacher!

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  21. Jerilyn9:59 AM

    Beautiful story and fantastic parenting!

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  22. Oh, thank you for posting this! I find even among my adult friends, the "r-word" is still prevalent, and it is such a shame. I mean - there are much more creative and accurate words out there if you want to express frustration. Thank you for spreading the word in such a heartfelt way.

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  23. Anna Maria, I loved you before I read this post, and now I love you even more. We desperately need more moms like you in the world. My older brother has profound mental retardation, and I can so identify with the feelings that you had/have toward your friend with Down syndrome--that need to fiercely protect and defend. One of the most hurtful moments of my elementary school days was when one of my classmates said that my brother was "retarded" and that it "ran in the family." I was in fifth grade, and I remember the exact details of that moment: the hurt and indignation I felt for my brother as well as the crushing blow to my own self-image. I can still feel the impact of those words. The thing is, I don't think that people who have not shared the experience of loving someone with intellectual disabilities knows the pain that comes from those words. I think kids just repeat what they hear from other kids. I'm glad that you're doing what you can to impress upon your son that those kind of words are damaging. I'm sure he's a good kid--how could he not be with a mom like you? Thanks so much for this eloquent post.

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  24. I really loved this post! It made me cry! I love it , thank you for posting.

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  25. Anna Maria, have you hard of this movement - Spread the Word to End the Word - http://www.specialolympics.org/spread-the-word-to-end-the-word.aspx My cousin who is a special ed teacher shared this with me on Facebook.

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  26. Anna - this is such a great story! It reminds me of one of my favorite childrens book The Junkyard Wonders by Patricia Polacco.

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  27. Anonymous10:46 AM

    Tears, Well done, anna.

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  28. I'm having my first child early next year and already I'm worrying about ways to deal with bad behaviour when he's older. Thanks for the donation idea, it's a really good one. I only hope I can remember it in 10 years time!

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  29. Anonymous10:48 AM

    What a wonderful post. Your teacher sounds like a very wise woman.

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  30. What a wonderful mommy you are, Anna Maria.

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  31. You are an awesome woman and fantastically strict mom. Both very admirable qualities.

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  32. PERFECT! Teaching is hard but parenting is even harder! You are a great mom....and I can so relate to your 2nd grade experience...I too had a conference and if you look at my 2nd grade card you might fine -excessive talking- does not stop talking. Now as a teacher, I am paid to talk :)

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  33. Great post. I have the same mind-set.

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  34. What a wonderful way to teach a child to really think about what he's saying, and to build understanding and compassion at the same time. Nice work.

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  35. I love it when you write. thank you.

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  36. Anna, thank you for your big mouth. This post comes at a most appropriate time. My 16 yr old daughter and the group of teens she hangs out with at lunch just "enlightened" one of their cohorts for using the "r" word like your unnamed son. I was so proud to hear that my daughter and other teenagers felt strongly about this issue. I will send this post to my daughter, who always sticks up for people. Thank you again.

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  37. What a great story. People with disabilities are a part of my world and have been for a long time. That word also riles me up. I would suggest looking into the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign - http://www.r-word.org/ - I think they do a lot of outreach to schools. Might also help your son see all of the people who have pledged not to use that word and why.

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  38. Anna...you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside...

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  39. Anonymous2:16 PM

    i love your outlook and your belief in teaching your kids these lessons in a way they won't forget. wonderful!! xx

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  40. I don't often cry reading blog posts, but I did today. Thank you.

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  41. Anonymous2:44 PM

    Thank you for your post, my daughter Maddie (age 6) has Downs Syndrome and she attends mainstream school, which she loves. I've found that its the parents that need educating! I do hope that she finds a best friend like you were to Kelly.

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  42. My younger brother has downs so I am well versed inthe role of guardian.

    It is so fantastic to hear a mother informing their kids abour what words like that mean and how they can be so hurtful.

    Even as an adult I still hear people using the word 'spastic' and 'mong'...it really makes my blood boil!

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  43. As a young adult with Down syndrome who just happens to own a quilt store, maybe your son could read some of my blog. P. S. We have your books in the store.

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  44. Great post Anna and a timely one for me. We just lost our Uncle Bruce so I thank you for sharing your memories from the heart. You and your mom are beautiful, special people.

    Blessings,
    -- LadyD

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  45. i love this story, a-m. what a great friend, teacher and mother you are!

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  46. I'm an avid reader of your blog and love your posts, fabrics, and books. I , however, have been just that: a reader, never a poster. However, I must take a moment to thank you for this touching story. My sister-in-law has a young son (6 months old) with Down Syndrome. I know that she has concerns about how other children will treat her son, the struggles he will go through, and what his future may hold. As a new mother also (I have a two month old son) it brings tears to my eyes to read about the compassion you had as a young child and still have. Thank you for your post and I love the fitting lesson for your nameless son :) I shall keep this in mind for when my own grows.

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  47. What a sweet story! And, I love your choice of how to deal with your son's choice of word regarding those person's with challenges in their lives. What a learning experience!

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  48. Actually I called the teacher to arrange a conference after I heard Anna Maria crying in bed one night. I investigated to see what was going on and she told me about a little girl at school that had problems.
    I'll never forget the pain in my heart when I heard my little 7 year old say, "I wish it could be me, so it didn't have to be her!"
    I do have an amazing daughter, but then you all already know that!

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  49. My dad has called me mouth since I was little!! Now my daughter has taken over the name!!

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  50. AM, you are an inspiration and a role model in so many ways. Thank you for this post. Your blog is a gift to those of us who don't have the pleasure to know you in real life. And you have great taste in names. ;)

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  51. Wonderful approach to raising a son to be a good man. Great story.

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  52. That's a truly touching story and I want to thank you for sharing it.

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  53. Anonymous7:44 AM

    Thanks, Mouth! What a stroke of brilliance your teacher had! My daughter has Down syndrome and I hope she has a pair like you two on her side when she goes to school :) --Emily Hilleke

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  54. That's a great story, good teachers are not uncommon, but great teachers are rare finds. I also think your punishment is creative and fitting.

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  55. What a great story! Thank you for sharing it with us here.

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  56. What a great story. Thank you for sharing this.

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  57. This is a great story Anna, really it is. My 8 year old is one of those R kids but the best thing for his friends is that they know him and understand him. I think unless you can get to know a child with brain issues, you don't know how amazing they are. If you could find a kid for your son to spend some time with, it would change his view for ever. I know you are super busy, but maybe someone will come across your path that he can spend a few hours with and find that there's a precious person, albeit with a few wires crossed!!!

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  58. Susan7:23 PM

    Psst... maybe you and he should check out Reece's Rainbow - they are an organization who fundraise and advocate to get little kiddos with Downs and other special needs out of international orphanages and into loving adoptive homes. He could pick a kid or two, contribute to their adoption fund, and change a life.

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  59. Congratulations to you! Nowadays so many parents don't stand up to their kids and enforce right and wrong. You've come up with the perfect solution to learning an important lesson. I'm sure your son is wonderful and this will reinforce the lesson and always be a reminder to him. Mrs. Taylor would be proud of you!

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  60. hello Anna, My daughter Sarah left you a message a few days ago, but I wanted to follow up with a bit more information. If you go to her blog there are some 450 blogs listed all with a family member with Down syndrome. We recently opened a fabric/quilt store with the mission of employing young adults with developmental disabilities. I am curious if you have kept in contact with Kelly or her family? I think what you are doing to help your son become more aware is awesome. The fact is we live in a world where the word is thrown around without much thought. There is an organized effort to end the use of this word www.r-word.org. If you scroll down on Sarah's blog there is a category called "the r word" which has many posts and connections too. Thank you for posting this. Would it be all right if we talked about it on our blog? It is a great idea and our readers will love to hear about your friendship with Kelly.

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  61. Hi JEllen, of course, feel free to share. I agree that we desensitize ourselves to words and just don't realize what is coming out of them! I know that my son isn't even thinking of those with intellectual disabilities when he's used it, he has just unfortunately heard it misused repeatedly. We have already been the the R-word site, and he has taken the pledge :) He also decided to donate his allowance to the Special Olympics and spent a lot of time on his own reading on the site. We have not kept up with Kelly. years after we were friends, we saw her and her family at the mall or someplace, and she did not recognize me or remember me. I was probably about 12 or 13, and while it was so good to see her and her parents, I can remember the heartbreak that I felt when she didn't seem to recall our friendship. But you know anyone, disabled or not, might do the same in that number of years. Wherever she is, I hope she is healthy and happy. My son's donation was offered in her honor.

    best wishes! xo, Anna

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  62. What a great post, Miss Mouth! Really sweet and insightful.Shows what a caring person you are, even at age 7! And I absolutely LOVE the punishment fits the crime. Doing good instead of just sending your son to his room. Way to go! Smart, fabulous parenting!
    btw-- LOVE your top in the photo. pray tell where that is from!!Must have!

    XO
    Simone

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  63. Hi Simone- that blouse is from Topshop and my new fave...the shoulders are actually metal studs!
    xo,Anna

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  64. Anna, in short, this post is awesome. Thank you.

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  65. I wish more children are like you were. My daughter is special needs and day after day we see such awful things. We focus on the good and try to overlook the not so good.

    SO KUDOS TO YOU AS I KNOW YOU GUIDED A BUNCH OF KIND HEARTED PEOPLE THERE WITHIN YOUR REACH.

    thank you for sharing xoxo

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  66. Thanks for this post, Anna.
    Growing up with a brother who had mental retardation, it's still very difficult to hear the "r" word used. Fortunately, my son is lucky enough to have had his uncle in his life for five years before he passed away. They spent a bunch of time together which allowed my son to see his uncle as a warm and friendly person, a creative painter, a sometimes big pain in the butt, a loving uncle, and a person with challenges. I teach art to a group of developmentally disabled adults once a week now and it's an amazing experience for me. I'm so happy that my now 15-year-old son sees the world through non-judgmental (most of the time) eyes. It's so important for all of us to accept people for who they are and to focus on the positive in all of us. It's a wonderful lesson for your son and the rest of us to learn and always remember.

    Okay, on a much lighter note, it always brings a smile to my face knowing that you have the decoupage bucket I made several years ago in your home--if you still have it. I like knowing I shared something with you, too since I feel like you share much with me in your blog and beautiful designs!

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  67. Dear Anna,

    I often read your blog since I'm an avid sewer and completely obsessed with all of your prints! I'm sorry that I usually stalk and never comment, but your post today really struck my heart. My son has Down syndrome. He just started Pre-K and we started him in a public school. My heart was in my throat for the days (okay, weeks) leading up to the start of class. I prayed every day that he would find a friend like you were to Kelly. The other day when I was picking him up from school, I heard another little girl exclaim to her father, "Look, Dad! That's my friend, Sebastian!" As a mom, its wonderful to hear that said about any of your kids, but with all the worrying I did about my son, I really ahd to use all my strength to keep it together!

    It really warms my heart to hear that other people see the value and the amazing love that people with Down syndrome have! Thanks for your post, for making me smile, and for giving me hope that he might have a confidant like you one day! And thank you for fighting the use of the dreaded "R" word. I'm sure your son had no idea that it was being misused or that it was hurtful, and I'm so glad you were there to teach him!

    Much love to you, Anna!

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  68. Waht a wonderful stiry anna! As alwasy you are an inspiration to us all! I am sure that nameless will learn his lesson, and kudos to you for the wonderful way in which you taught it!

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  69. That is too funny.. I also had that nickname, and I am pretty sure my youngest does as well. Your story touched me as my youngest, aka.. mouth, also has a friend with downs, Matthew. Matthew's mom teaches ball room dancing where she hosts a benefit each year to raise money for the Downs Syndrome Association of Cincinnati Ohio.. She teaches Ball room dancing to young adults with Downs and they have a night "Dancing with our stars" Macy is matthew's partner. It is a special event, and one dear to my heart. Macy, is like you.. she would take a head off is someone spoke ill of Matthew.. Teaching our children that not everyone is alike and that being different is OK, is a hard job as parents. Thanks for your post.

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  70. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I know your son, whether it is Roman, Joseph or nameless will be a wonderful person.

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  71. Your mother is as gorgeous as you are! Thank heavens for wonderful teachers.

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  72. What a very touching and personal story to share. Good for you! You are a wonderful mother and role model, Anna Maria!

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  73. Love this story! Love how you can step back from basic life issues and look at the big picture. Not always easy to do as a Mom when you're dealing with so many "in the moment" issues. Thanks for sharing!!

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  74. if only everyone would speak up for the voiceless and champion their rights. perhaps the most important lesson for our children. i once insisted that my daughter sit with the unpopular boy who didn't speak english in junior high. she did and she was later so proud that she was the first. you rock, mama anna!

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  75. Your my hero, I also have a large family (9 kids) and the words retarded and stupid or never allowed here either...but, 8 of my kids are boys and it happens. I LOVE your plan of his donating to a charity involved mental disability, I will be following suit in the future it is by far the best idea I've heard to reprimand this particular bit of 'slip up'....I'm with you, I WILL raise kind and compassionate children!!

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  76. Anonymous9:46 PM

    We have an "r" jar in my family - that word bothers me as well. Every time any one of the kids (or adults) uses that word they have to draw a chore from the "r" jar... it only took a week and they stopped!

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  77. Anonymous6:23 AM

    What a wonderful story. It brought tears to my eyes, also. I have 2 beautiful neices that have special needs and I too get very defensive in their behalf.

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  78. I have had many tearful conversations with my friends and husband where I have said that very thing " they will be good people even if it kills me!". I think every good, concerned, connected parent feels that way at some point. Nice to know I am not alone!

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  79. My mother-in-law volunteers at a camp for disabled and challenged kids and adults every summer. When my children were little, she'd bring them along if they happened to be visiting during those weeks. Now, when my children see someone at Church or anywhere with Down Syndrome, they immediately react positively, making an effort to say hello! This is huge because I was never exposed to children who were different when I was little and I feel awkward and uninformed. My own children teach me every time, how to be open and loving to everyone! I love this story Anna.

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  80. Jeana5:36 PM

    I love reading your blog and am so happy you share your special life with us. It makes any bad day a good day. Thank you for sharing your gift of gab!

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  81. What a wonderful story - thanks so much for sharing it.

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  82. I had a VERY similar personality as child! I too was the "protector" of a sweet special needs student in my class. Thanks for posting this...it reminded me of a long time ago...

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  83. can't tolerate that word in my home either.
    Some people didn't have a choice in how they were born and deserve every chance at love and respect.
    there have been many talks with teen boys when we lived in our old neighborhood that threw that name out there a little too easily.

    P.S. I was called mouth when I was a little girl too and am just now realizing it isn't a bad thing. Learning what a voice God has given me and growing into it.
    Lori

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  84. Not only do I love your beautiful work but I also enjoy your writing, your stories. You are an amazing, talented, loving person!

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  85. Isn't it amazing how memories work? Thanks for taking the time to share such an important and personal one. It really speaks volumes about your character. I have four boys and also struggle with name-calling. I draw the line at "retarded" too. While I don't have a story like yours to share, I have spent some of my teaching career working with special needs kids. I get a similar "stomach knot" and red cheeks when I hear the word "retarded" used to describe anyone. What a wonderful way to teach your son the importance of respecting all people.

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